"for a time"

that's a strange phrase.


CALL FOR ENTRIES: bad tattoo decisions

i know, tattoos are sooooooooo.

and i know there have been shows and things about mistakes on the part of the tattoo artiste, i.e. "BOWLIN" instead of "BALLIN," "I LOUVRE JOHN" etc. but what about the bad tattoo decisions amongst the people i call my friends? please scan/photo your bad tattoo decision(s) and send them to me. i'll do a li'l blog zine and maybe print some too. if you want, you can send the story of the tattoo to accompany it, and if you wish, i can anonymize your contribution by only giving hints about your personality that others of us will most likely pick up on. rest assured i will participate en masse.

get to it, art stars--let's see those chinese characters shine.



i'm ready

somebody tell me when to start--i'm ready to party now. i guess i have to simulcast to ryan's simulcast.


hey mike

ectoplasm [censored]
in a long line of slime.

hey mike, [censored]
hey mike,

husk [censored] as [censored]
there's saran wrap [censored]
find this offensive.

be any genre [censored]
cultural corridor district
paint over the graffiti cover-ups.

[censored]humanitarian purposes
venn diagram.

why, [censored]
soft turd scandal [censored]
violent potato, [censored]
flinch [censored]


gass custard

the grandmom will not allow
hazard flashers to defeat her

some things remain funny forever
torrents of the catbird

to end again and again
the where of colored neighborhoods

to start the beginning with
"in other words"


vision problems

i don't really have any

nervous tunic

get cultural long-term; antagonizing dividends explicit in their procedural how-to. osama's been wearing the same clothes for like fifteen years or something come on. potentially, specs of universe beside us. i have the most ironic CIA. believe it. see the heron's mechanations overhead; dream the egret to intimate her myopic top 4.

every single one of you
has a television
in your life

see the heron overhead, infinite amounts of it into infinitely small governments; we're actually all very tall. nondiscriminating skill set, this dithering dots together, suppress suppress until until. hysterical garments to run through the child. like children. sp ri nk le rrrrr to storied somethings opening drawers; opening books to libraries; exposing bad tattoo decisions to when and where your hands were.

skinny atlas

justin's going to scan his lower leg and send it to me (the actual lower leg). he'll just keep the copy.

i got invited to a lake house in a place called skinny atlas, NJ the first weekend in august. i can't wait. i belong in a lake house. or just near canoes and turtles.

i know this is just normal. sorry.



the funniest was that i wrote 'freektown' first by accident.

i purposefully drive a longer way to community college so that i can go through downtown (biz district), patterson park (neoyuppies), highlandtown (blue collar/breweries), fells point (fraternities/latino), greektown (greeks), hopkins bayview (section 8/drug tx), and dundalk (old tyme baltimore racism). it reminds me that baltimore is not as binary as it appears.

many years ago my boyfriend and i went to the greek festival and drank uzo until it came out of our ears. he was about 6'3" and i had to drag his mostly unconscious body into the tiny bathroom of my first apartment for him to puke there all night. i went in to check on him at like 6am and he was blubbering in the bathtub, asking if we could do intercourse. i said, "no." he blogs. i wonder if he'll ever stumble across this.

the winter has brought with it a few extry pounds on the bender tum. i have decided to do another marathon. it's in november; it's a trail run (but more gravel than trail). instead of the normal t-shirt you get fleece mittens, a sled, a thermos of hot chocolate, seasonal affective disorder, and a potbelly stove all stuffed inside a commemorative tote at the finish line. once i pay for these things i do them.


transcendental peach isn't just a color to paint your room anymore. this morning over granola one punched me in my chi.


i forgot i was doing this and that i wanted to stop emo log


i have a [censored] conservative parent
unknown; possibly unsuccessful.

my parents' house, and no one is home.
[censored] i can tell by [censored]
the skin of it. [censored]
expansive [censored] wheat [censored]
it might [censored] winter, if wheat is hearty
[censored]landmarks [censored]

see a [censored] halfway [censored]
lost-ness [censored] blowing wheat [censored]
i know to try to remember everything [censored]
it's almost as if what never happened
will never happen.

defrag/no you in u

i have the most hilarious idea: let's project the surface of my body onto the surface of my body--it's like the adage or adaptation goes; it's like a taste sensation! stylized walk, and to dot i's with anatomical hearts. those with highly developed perfumes are easily promoted. i'm sorry. those with accessory structures more likely to chasm; those valet artisans; 24/7 you're actually crying. in the dream he puts your head in my lap; "when" is my dictation; "when" is the hairshirt of my diction. obscure ventures in fishing.

did you understand what i said about
[yell] auditory processing?
memory is stored diffusely.
the day you cut the cake with a spoon.
the soft cleft.

i never tetris any more. God's telling me input is more important than output. some sensation, this; some palsy keepsake. and is it possible? a patterned economy; warmish errands of doze, nerve, carry out the day. the day i fucking POUNDED u w/ proprioception, God knows. God knows what i'd be doing in front of the blind.

call me in the morning

if you're looking for an agressive way to work out, and compulsive masturbation is just not for you, i recommend painting over an entire room of stucco with a ginormous roller of creamsicle orange until your chicken arms shake with glee.

if that doesn't work, go draw some dump trucks in chalk on a tree with a two year old.

if that doesn't work, flee to canada or wash your face.



"love ya" accidentally slipped out to the therapist on the way out. he said, "thank you." i tried but pretty much ran.

from the desk of justin sirois

i'll freak you until them geeks think we're two little blurs on the sod.

image search result: 'freak dance'

that's about right.

from the desk of dad bender

I would like you to find a nice boy who will make you happy. And one who
likes baseball would be a bonus.



my tits

this is like roller girls. i can't tell if it's that neo-wave (sorry) reclaiming of lady things or buying right into myster maaaaaaaaan. it's girl vs. girl, but it's exploitative. and so.

i hope you weren't hoping it would be mine. no way.
sometimes people help you grow so much
that you can't talk to them ever again
speaking from experience, adult coloring books,
easter souvenirs, Evite invitations,
animated tubers, limited editions,
premium canned meat, antiquity,
passage of infantile time,
and regular jobs,
Michael Ball stops into
the crepe shoppe,
so does Chris Toll,
and the new cripple
launches herself
from the four-poster
double bed.
some would call this
to them i would say,
everything from the third
line down.

$8/hr, P/T

murder the order or
fully cooked, oh god,
your ham!
forked over the
men love fathers

remember when
we used to date
and then didn't?


this just happened

with a jingling arraber as a backdrop, a little kid said, "even when i'm not running i'm running!"

there's probably something grammatically incorrect about that sentence but i just woke up and i was an art student anyway.


melatonin experiment

seven at a time and seven seas, new cat asleep on the lap of unknown origin; you can't sleep and you can't wait for dreaming; the boyfriend dragging out the trash. hello, we haven't had our tupperware party; baby, this is just the tip; baby, there are days and then strung; there are days to tether them together. my herbal supplement for your intellectual grafitti, my, this artform taking shape when it's over; fledgeling takes wing to the sidewalk; baby takes wind takes one to the neck; bunny snare for yr thoughts, your carry-out, your depravity and location, location, location. what a fine introduction one half hour before its time. who knew this thing about the sea. baby, to reintroduction but like every day and then some; baby to remembering what was been some kinda temporal some shit night over and again huh.

and now a word from our sponsor

maureen had a dream that i was a light.



oldie but appropriate.

badlands. badlands of strange everything,
purged swiftly outward and upward--that dustbowl
kind of weaving.

badlands in my dreams, in tornado-mill dialect,
outward and up and backward. teeming.
there is a tint to the light, a lilt, a face upward, a feel.

things just flatten. they flatten out, like this, like tomatoes.
like it's more cold, colder, like during that time, or during
that time of night. a crick in the neck. all creepy-like.

rest assured badlands are antiquated through their own color.
badlands are entirely self-reflexive, but, like, more sandy.
you can snooze like that all day, out there.

badlands are confessional, badlands can keep a secret.
badlands are bald, badlands have a bald spot where,
or, no, like got stung, but, a hornet, right on the top and passed out. badlands passed out.

baldwins are all the same. badlands welcome all tall baldwins.
badlands harbor scientologists and neophysicists and physicians altogether.
badlands are nondiscriminatory in their awkwardness. welcome, actors, welcome.

welcome to the badlands. bienvenito. wilkommen.
things just lose dimension. reflexivity. things color themselves.
bald badlands sure make nature sounds but damn, don't they just darken it all to hell.

things open somewhere deep in the throat. it's like you know
they're there-there there, but not which version. it's like, you know what i mean?
it's like listening through an ear-shaped shell. a marine. a marina.

things are miniature. three canoli go up and in and down and out the bottom.
things go bump and start with postage, and end with a lump in the throat.
things splatter and stain in the back of the pants, unusually bad and bloody down low.

badlands fear changes in the weather. badlands were born this way.
badlands rumble with the afternoon and tumble really big pieces of hair around.
things adjust but badlands just keep being, again and again, when you least expect it.

once, in the badlands, there was a hospital. it fell apart and i kicked it up in the air.
i fucked its head off. right off. a big cat had a hemorrhage in its sleep. it balled up its little fist and punched the hospital square in the jaw. badlands didn't even budge.

another time i tried to take a box of Bazooka into the badlands. then i tried seltzer.
i tried yoga. i tried a story about an old lady in a house, all alone, except for the cripple selling cards. i didn't try very hard at any of these, and so it left.

badlands got up and walked right out of there. they turned to me one last time and said, "you, boy." back on the freeway, things were narrowly avoided and siphoned off in bits. it was frightening to see so much disappear. unreal, really.

for so long, things were tiny. feet and hands, and specks of lead, and nouns.
things were not always so deeply affected by a country cottage; a memoir.
badlands weren't always a bastion for recordkeeping; a stockpile of loose change.

now, badlands just tries to be like everybody else. there are things, they get a laugh, they get along just fine until about three in the afternoon. there is an open eye, a bird statuette in the window. badlands has been dead for years, and still.

some people push their fingers into the soil when it's soft. they straighten up and
bravely step out into rusty wind, uninterested in time of day. others wait at the door
for their dog of a life to come around with a desert in its mouth.

badlands sifting out between old teeth, piling onto the bathroom linoleum,
scattering underneath the radiator. things necessitate language. things flatten.
badlands flatten things around furniture where the old dog lays sleeping.

magical doozy

quite the episode
and still
trees are trees
all in their place
there is a dictionary
i could write in it
i could come out of it
or go for a run
and come back in


do both
eat the banana
go to sleep

when you wake
you shall have
driven to the airport
or the royal farms


great smoky mountains national park

this is how it's done
and underneath,
devastation by
those specific
flash cards

somewhere there is
a whole country of people
who know what it is
to be forced into napping
i believe this is called,
"this will pass," or,
"not a thoroughfare"

somewhere in the country
there is a city called
"no personal narrative"
i either go there
or one doesn't


i might skip two out of four hours of class today, depending


touch the screen for a mood reading and leave a comment about your experience


something like 55 hours

the g-ps, mr. sirois, and me.

until then it's trying not to have a bad day, wild west, and synaptic clefts.


sunburn: the poor man's sunscreen

ok and one more

my dad, bill

well. there was a party. and while it was correctly observed that i do not really get drunk, it was also correctly observed that i continue drinking regardless. today it was observed that the aftereffects continue to be--how to say in your language--"piss-poor" in the le emotional scheme grande. so next time i drink for hours on end, someone say, "you are dumb," and use my full name. when i say, "but i'm not drunk!" make me say something humiliating--to you, me, or a third party.

then i stayed in adam and kat's well-decorated apartment. kat is very funny. when she met adam's ex-girlfriend she (kat) had an entire plate of deviled eggs in her mouth and paprika in her fingernails. last time kat fed a seagull an alka-seltzer tab, her entire family's stomach exploded. two out of five sentences in this paragraph are true.

then m and manya fed me banana soup in alexandria, while hero watered her little brother. we talked about buttonless pants and other life events.

then i got discombobulated driving home and then stuck in traffic on the highway. i thought i might die of my dreamstate.

then i met my dad at the baseball game, and it was one hundred degrees. i drank a li'l hug and observed no children with leukemia. when everyone was booing this one pitcher named danny, my dad yelled, "c'mon danny!" i think he would not have yelled something loudly at a baseball game until the last couple of years. turns out most catchers wear pads under their butts, but not all umpires touch the catchers' backs very gently in a way that makes one think of gardening, baby birds, or byzantine saints. or porn. who knew?!

now i will try to decide whether i should eat a banana or take a nap, or whether i should post such a journal thing on my emo log. then i will realize that if i tried to be witty right now i would faint onto piles of cats.

bill bender, but not my bill bender, but strangely appropriate to larger cowboy scheme grandes:


heartbeat of amurca

peel the real deal
what a beautiful day
stop calling me
and now a note to myself:
you can do it


a situation

i'm having one. any advice appreciated. i imagine this might be something like one of ryan's feelings, but different.


jon stewart got mad at me when i was in the bathroom too long preparing for my performance. i was another whale. i was wearing a red leotard and a green dress made out of gauzy stuff like my grandmom's dish rags. everyone in the auditorium could hear my dad. i woke up humming for the second day in a row.




i hate [censored] myself.
that is how much i love you.


4-H heiffer champion
giant stuffed [censored]
goldfish in a bag

all wrapped inside
reminiscent of this.

boom today and bam tomorrow

a) today i saw one of these
(the mailbox, but also i saw ladies and probably hats)

b) maureen sent me the anxiety montage. i...it...i feel...i have a soundtrack.

c) something for, before or after someone:

something is
having a disease named after you
to always send
a signal that way

those new rolling shoes are funny
or an invisible race
[no one would dare trump
a lou gehrig skate]

everyone's a believer
did you say the name
of my hometown?
[fresh sheep yellow matter]

the secret of the universe
is going to be gravity
acetylcholine makes
the first wave

[which first elicits
specific visions and
grass patterns, but
could be academic]

[a cat with a neuro problem]

[a cat who can not walk]

in my latent phase,
russians, sodium,
botulism; ham
alights on them

filling gaps in
framework & feeding
& caring for them
their mnemonics

i left it vague
so that i could be
the sun of a gun
so that i could be


[i wanted it to be so much sadder]
[i wanted this to be like that time]

if you'll excuse me,

i'm going to go live inside a creamsicle.

phone beetles

for such a racist
and a sexist,
kevin gives
great chitin

something about
neurotic and


oogenesis, etc

kevin made this a long time ago. i don't know why i thought of it today.

gag portabella

this is the national weather service
muscles that push your tiny hair up
as we order things differently
finally a storm to break wide open
like an adult ocean
they will enact traditional painting

man, smell that antiquated grape
hair that ups the ante sandwich
envelop all things into your hair
it would rather stand aside
it feels observed and thickens

physics prove the capacity to
invent [agree], johns hopkins,
but not to blanket, to state,
to stay still away
until until
until some gay parade

brains, blood and base hits


Aaron Lowinger

often I look up
there’s a runner on first
I don’t know how he got there
and I don’t care

what the hell was that

i guess i'll just leave it there.

i go home.
i go to [censored]
expansive fields [censored]
almost [censored] everywhere.
[censored] windy. [censored] wind.
[censored] afraid. [censored] afraid
that [censored]--that [censored]
expansive fields [censored] turn slightly
[censored] and there is a dog [censored]
the warfield's [censored] the warfields
[censored] the dog [censored]
the [censored] wheat[censored]
panting, facing [censored] either that dog
[censored] or that [censored] he stands there
in the sun [censored] feeling.

Posted by bender at 10:50 PM


the poor man's spinach

i ate kale, but before that there was a tornado. really! the kind of weather ominous enough to make you simultaneously afraid of being in the world and afraid of leaving.

i have the most hysterical idea: let's i'll draw all your muscles on the outside of your body, then everything toward inside, marrow, ideas, the cells of ideas, the atomic sleep of knee jerks, send it skyward all in the wrong color, all sickly dreaming. hamstrung? no such thing. on loan? closed; too hot; too shy; too brightly turning. fever pants into the pool and her father comes out wielding. weirdly. her father comes out hugs for safe keeping; wire hanger for his graduated thoughts; pull those fucking pants up and make the right sounds. you know the ones; your fucking pants, fulcrum resting outside the county line; fulcrum between pity and sausage sandwich; fulcrum be bygones, let the VCR gently catastrophize, quiet, record, quietest, let it. gingham upholstery quite the measurable goal; a real meat and potatoes piece of rhetoric; let's i'll, look: let's meet between force and the flexion adjacent my fragrant nigerian. some would call it canal; others debate the slant--the sleep--the sleep caffeined into pitter patterns; can't stop laughing about the weather.



dusky; wind-up caterpillar


what, [censored] my new age age?
here are [censored] artists,
bell biv devoe

screaming [censored]
extraordinary [censored]
sheer quantity can be [censored]
embarrassing [censored]

likes homemade [censored] slowness.
new skill [censored] calls the last step
"making your flower." [censored]
girls make butterflies and [censored]
a significant haircut [censored]
or [censored] 2, two, too [censored]

i wonder what feels stranger:
knowing you should have [censored] or
knowing you should [censored]

today's logging [censored]
is dedicated to [censored]
a redundant [censored] eater
and [censored] i have like
a whole [censored] genetics [censored]
onesie you can buy [censored]...

this horrible sinking feeling [censored]

oh yeah

Scranton Steamer (n.): 1. any extremely mundane sexual act, usually involving at least one person, occurring in or around Scranton and/or something emitting steam. 2. the physical or emotional fallout of any extremely mundane sexual act occurring in or around Scranton and/or something emitting steam.

Scranton Steamy (adj.): having the quality of any extreme mundane sexual act occurring in or around Scranton and/or something emitting steam.

Scranton Steam (v.): to perform any extremely mundane sexual act in or around Scranton and/or something emitting steam.

space pod

somewhere out there is
the quaintest asshat
you have ever seen
an asshat for the ages
the asshat you pine for
your asshat ideal

until then,
time moving unlike time
when you think of me,
do it with great concern
for all pragmatists
overzealous naifs
aperitif poseurs
umbilical hangers-on

proprioceptive doodads
and their corresponding
terror levels
to alter specific envelopes
paper plates can be your
communicative device
if you are stranded
way out in traffic


po-mo, meet pro-mo

i is in ur mind, watchin u watchin

geoffrey smalls jr, III

five days? avoid the wooded route, avoid a brief weep of water in the pot, a baggie for your grievous thoughts, to wrap the arm around its netflix queue. days get fluffier until it boils over; the arbitrary beginning with that dream; that empty genie. i know how it will go (complete). i know how it will go. he goes with our fair assignment--hold fast across the tiny knuckles of that quick quick. pooling things begin to question; be still our wonton frozen vegetables and our belief systems. we can not bury it; we can not stop our small kissing for the blatant sun. what returns when one has not begun. this poem is about the last kitten; this poem is about saturday afternoon.


there is a turtle derby in baltimore and i missed it because i was sleeping.

milk river meme

i saw golden door tonight. you can put your transformers where the sun don't shine.


8 random facts about me as someone else/fully realized:

1. every time i push on my eye the sun comes out.
2. when i think of my own body, i see it from the inside and am not afraid.
3. i used to be afraid of an owl can; now i'm afraid of a whale can.
4. i want to be your favorite.
5. if i wasn't so fully realized i'd use this to point out cute eccentricities.
6. i make fine handcrafted ornaments.
7. i make a fine handcrafted ornament.
8. this one is true.


my li'l animal totem
[censored] is close to [censored]
in the wheat in my dream. [censored]
in my dream was much more scraggly
and had more white [censored]
and was not symmetric [censored]

i'm trying [censored]
okay [censored]
to become it as content,
content [censored] in proximity
to my animal totem.
i'm preserving [censored]
in the wheat field as valid [censored]

and have no plans [censored]
even though i might [censored]
[censored] i would [censored]

Posted by bender at 10:31 PM


gestalt striations

this is my rating after that last post

Free Online Dating

Mingle2 - Free Online Dating

(fuck, fucking, death)



Free Online Dating

Mingle2 - Free Online Dating

This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:
fuck (2x) crap (1x)

fucking lies:

Online Dating

Mingle2 - Online Dating

This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:
fucking (2x) fuckin (1x)


Online Dating

Mingle2 - Online Dating

This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:
asshole (1x)


Online Dating

Mingle2 - Online Dating

This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:

dead (1x) fuck (1x)

actual bottom:

Online Dating

Mingle2 - Online Dating

No bad words were found.

i wanted to be bright and use a really banal/wholesome blog as a point of comparison, but i'm too tired to think of one.

exercises in stylez



'mean face kick,' [censored]
felt like pay-per-view.

[censored] elicit questions
i have [censored] this [censored]
'reclaiming' [censored] and something [censored]
a tie-dyed tambourine
in a completely sincere way. [censored]

sun and fun.
-i might want to re-remember [censored]
i hope that's not too self-involved [censored]
-i need a photo cake.

Posted by bender at 10:02 PM

ab-ex, meet ab-roller

michael ball's not a visposeur

and then there was one

holding strong, and the runt to boot
no comments on the bender amphibieyes please



car like dying but
nd i can cats in the
afeared scape
some distant fairly
opportunistic murder
by agriculture, or
video, even, or
video games

bowling, gesture, or
they choose the
appropriate hiding
r on the street to know
safety finds it safety
n the iconic tension
the best part,
the loudest

goddamn plus the drummer
soaps nd bedtime for
a pug a kitchen stopper
soap opera capture
soap towel, sop stoop
stop up jigga what
can we capitulate
can youtube it



[censored] to [censored]
(read through [censored]
garfield's [censored] crisis):
[censored] was the first thing i
[censored] draw.

also, [censored] not sure
why [censored] logging [censored]
[censored] apostrophes when they [censored]
indicating [censored] [censored]
usually i [censored]

Posted by bender at 4:42 PM

sweet mash-up:

(thanks jgp)
and here's the original; compare, contrast, decide which one you think is creepier:


whoa nellie

leigh bender brought home 1-day-old kittens whose mama left them to the wilds. she says we're not going to keep them. i know, i know. no more kittens on the blog. well i'm emo, and this is my log, and i'm here to tell you that the fluffy orange one is pretty much my favorite (although they do look much more like dying hamsters than kittens...their ears are fairly amazing).

fuck it for another five

lifestyle shifts

welcome back. [censored]

i believe that [censored]
my animal totem. perhaps [censored]
i should consider mailing a dog [censored]
submission (also below).

when i awoke smiling, [censored]
"remember this! [censored]
a penis [censored]
dangerously close [censored]

i am working toward [censored]
i would work toward [censored]
the gore factor, [censored]
the latent catholic [censored]

in second grade, [censored]
a laminated golden rule [censored]
i could go to the bathroom [censored]
in my pajamas on purpose [censored]

pee in bed, but do it in the right pajamas [censored]
'heritage,' [censored]
a topographic medium [censored]
the shapes her mouth makes when she [censored]

an early genetics theory, [censored]
but i can't remember which one [censored]
one shucks between fits [censored]

Posted by bender at 4:25 PM

i should be using the emo log as a study tool

but instead,

1. justin edward sirois showed me the N64 clip. he also showed me this (the text accompaniment is annoying but it's the only one i could find with the full audio):

i'm sorry justin edward sirois can't lay his ginormous ego aside for the sake of mine.

2. "Eroticism is assenting to life even in death." (bataille)

3. yipes, haversian systems! i gotta go.


it's like christmas

everyone has started commenting. but some of the comments are not comments, which makes them the best comments ever.

Ryan, Are you driving your car (not your scooter) to the Polo fields for games this week? If so, could I catch a ride from Union Station for either Tues and/or Fri? I like my new intermediate team, though my rec team has better name ("Cut and Run"). We won last week 15-4, so better watch out. -kaplan

8:55 PM

this could be anything. it's kaplan meeting ryan at the next stop.

so while we're at it,

adam: how about a tour blog, with photos and a diary of our reunion tour?? t-shirts?


quick inventory

great american pasttime:

-opted only for H2O
-did not bless america
-kiss cam did not pan to our section
-the wave
-write about the first wave: stadium fun and feminism
-sunburn, feels good
-cab ride all the way to 95 south and then back: $14
-oriole mascot as emblem for athletic posturing, stylized run
-questions: bat boys, uniform laundry, K K K K K
-day of horrifying insects
-day of medieval cartoons, camelot
-pixies, C&C music factory, thong song, car wash
-"ice cold water and content: one dollar"
-green burial, split me up, renovate houses that do not belong to you, until someone stops you
-fried pickles
-dad says watch for left-handed batters
-jokes that can not be repeated; leukemia; kiss cam; wave
-i thought you said rip it out