this is important. look at the mouse.


(it's been almost a year, but)



what happened? i don't know. i don't blog anymore, and i don't read other blogs either. now that i still can't find a job (it's because we're in a recession; talk about it; it's real; it's not me) and am afraid to get out of bed in the morning, i have at least two boyfriends. my grandmom said tonight that it's "DERN COLD, LAURBABY."

can you help me? i have contracts and slightly more weight.


oh yeah

here's an archived thingy from the radio

our cats love public radio

and now from charles shulz

"I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time."

That is to accompany Ryan's third imperative as my motto. So this is my motto, and Ryan's third imperative is my imperative. I forgot to mail Ryan his birthday CD, so now I am revamping it to be particularly particular.

Did I blog once about the existential Garfield cartoon? I'm so out of it. I have a cold. Here it is; follow through for the follow-through:

you have no idea how alone you are


this is all true

i really did, i quit. and tomorrow justin and michael ball and i will be recording for the signal on YPR. i don't know when it will be on.

look at ryan's great third imperative:
delusion imperative (aka the pragmatic imperative)

i live this imperative. the next time someone asks me what my motto is, i will say, well, it's not a motto, but here is my imperative. and then i will state it like i have never stated anything before. the beauty of this imperative is that it explains everything that's wrong with me. i need structure. i'm going to make a curry.

on the tv there's a man playing the hurdy-gurdy. i don't know why i'm kind of writing like a child and so much in a personal narrative--it's been a while; bear with me. i already apologized before during that beautiful card.

do you want me to do some work for you?
here are my skills: kale; hammer; wpm, they said we'd never walk.
this is not a poem.
in our PTRS theater project show, i played a heavy metal rocker.


twin angst

we have it
it won't go away


it's not you, it's me

i'm sorry. has it really been that long? i will fix that rotation problem below. it's just and my sister has cat scratch fever i made a lot of drawings the wedding was beautiful we're bleaching everything i strapped a turkey baster to my head for a blowhole i told a rich old lady that it probably wasn't gas i worked for 14 hours.

oh yeah
whale box>


ARMMY, C. 1986

book mail bank hopkins

like the origin of injury [some validity];
wrote a letter to the army and wanting to chart,
sunday morning, shoulder pads of
embarrassment [hymnal].

if you have a minute, i know you're busy--
like a stream down the throat
strung together; guitars like oboes;
guitars like how there it's earlier; corded.

when you get here the time will change
[everything into vernacular].


in footloose
there is a dismount
i was taught how to
jam a screwdriver
into a crab




in footloose
the guy
has anger

later i read on the road
[there were glass doors
on the cabinets
and castors on the chairs]

when you get here
i will have remembered you
as much as that
or certain carpets


veritable treasure troves, vital treaded droves

i always dread my nighttime routine, but it's really not bad and takes hardly any time. it's just brush teeth and pee.



can you spot the differences?

from the ether of my nutrition textbook,
"Beriberi has afflicted polished rice-eating populations for centuries."

result for "polished rice"

result for "polished populations"

also tonight there was a reading event that may or may not have been successful. i have a feeling no one knows. the music was good. ryan was a good bum named carl.


this morning

in the dream,
grandmom knew
she had a bird in her ear
she told the doctor
that her head had been
swelling near her jaw
and that she
could feel its feathers
for quite some time
it was a dead bird
the woman who lived
in the house before
or maybe in my
grandmom's ear
told my grandmom
not to worry
that sometimes
something about
dead things as antiques
either way it was like
some kind of
taxidermied finch
and my grandmom
had kind of lost
all hope
as if them's the breaks
to have a stuffed finch
in your ear and then
to have it taken out
and keep living
alone until you die

<3 this just in for serious <3


their house was taken from them, but the house didn't shift or molt – it stayed rooted on its concrete pedestal – looking at the same celestials & strays, looking like another family's house as it became miniature in memory & refrigerator drawings. Driving away, he sang to them the Canadian national anthem, then a poem by a long dead local author; a road as a metaphor never gets old or when the new boy settles into bed in your old room will the house take his fears, like a chameleon, & color them calm with chamomile & Oreo. We drive. Eight shoulders crammed with eight knees pneumatic & sweat pulsed. I imagine strangling the new boy in a shallow stream; hide his little body in a tree

(justin sirois)
(you don't mind, right?)

hey look

there is a reading/release on 10/19 (friday).


food shirt

problems with internal planets; beside you not this but this and this (i know); lips have all this mouth on them. look what i made. is it okay? your snob is like a song; your cell sounds like yoga class. look what i ate. it's not okay.

skin digests splinter
body devours 2x4
memorandums hesi

tate to walk
inflamed and
a tiny fever
hay fever he
when woken

hard-pressed to overhead or survey immeasurable shifts; imperceptibly that thing to lean ahead (it'sokayit'sokay); lead with waiting, smells like rubber no burning no rubber no; imperceptibly the highway shifts until it shifts back again, like something not capable.

you should be recording everything you ate right now.


for ryan / adam

every time you have a thought / phantom something
you will erupt into / crab republican
what would you call it / a cheeseburger says what
where did you park / not a funny joke
clumps or a wad / pig acronyms
an idea for a restaurant / job dissatisfaction
the best food / bland chutney

here is my letter to the armmy
i am humiliated by this room
here is this dandelion impossibility
here is a very small cat
she is small-boned, not just a kitten
i am humiliated by the band-aid trash
in my room
did you see what my dad drew
i am so embarrassed about my room


i know, that's, like, so boring to blog about

well you know what? i'm boring. true. or bored. what's the difference.

the pasty deliverance-like underbelly

somebody must have crashed into my car yesterday and left--the entire driver's side back door is smashed in. there were already massive dents in my car and i only have liability insurance, but it's just the principle. like, they had to have hit it really hard in broad daylight yesterday, backed up in order to correctly make the turn, seen what they did, and left. it's actually more violating than coming outside to find your windows smashed in.


ain't nobody want no shit and AIDS and shit up in they water, fuck that--what? fuck that, shit's fucked up. did he die? he fell down that chute? what,

that's what the water people are saying in front of our house. i think maybe they are at a standstill. i shall transcribe.

"they got these trees and shit, and this man's arm start lookin' like snakeskin--that shit don't look good. it's all that bacteria, shit, this lady walked out in her bare feet, man, she got some a that shit on her toe, man, that shit turn black. wherever that shit get on you. erything grow abnormal."

"oh my goodness!"

"forty feet of shit water."

i want them to come more often.

google image search: "forty feet of shit water"

i mean, why she gotta be so elitist. shit. shit's troubling.



u dyxjws yo,

(that's 'i fucked up' with home row shifted one key over)

but i did, anyway. i didn't get my tetris on last night and as a result i forgot to go to one work and went to the other instead.

admission of joy:


was that really the last thing i posted?

sorry ryan. i've been academic, which i wasn't for a while and so am reaping the consequences. one consequence is thinking about megaloblasts in a marrow biopsy. but then i think about tuna steak sandwiches and everything comes back to normal.

i would like to report relatively very little anxiety since my chicago trip. let's get personal at times-ballisms. major agoraphobia prior, somewhat less than proportionate euphoria afterward, but let's not look euphoria in the horse, shall we.

i have to go to bed, so here's from now:

begin by you must
predilection for leafy
pastiches of divinity
today stuff today
i had a near-life
i was in the car
this is my cartoon
look at my cat

afj daoifuduawerua09rufajsfnzdvkz;

my dad

ps i wish anyone reading this could hear my sister and her bf warming up on their trumpets right now. there's weird dissonance about it because it sounds like any night at a conservatory but it's our house instead, so there is also TV noise and pet sounds (not beach boys). they are on different floors and they both have mutes in their trumpets, so are not listening to each other at all.


on the occasion of a beautiful line in a letter from senator dodd's father to his mother during the nuremburg trials

back pressure
[vessel of the vessels]
valves in the veins
and resistance diagrams
as you can see from
this picture,
sat down taken a tums
and died

the buffy coat

<3 anatomy and physiology despite great ambivalence worsened by travel <3


well then i guess i'll just continue on with it

look, photographs in the bender style (with some edited out per the sirois public domain requests of 2007).


c'mon feel the illinoise!

well, we're here, in chicago. look:

ryan is much more interesting to vicarious with, so i will just highlight:

1. justin, man in yellow shirt and i all have keys to same room. man walks in coincidentally during justin pants switch.
2. i was just about to have andrew bird'sbaby when i caught a collapsing man.
3. xanax for plane ride = best hand-held tetris score everEVER. xanax eases transition and delays agoraphobic tendencies for a good 24 hours. perhaps you thought tetris was a bygone--rest assured my bedtime routine is steadier than my noncommittal attitude.
4. this is a really great town. today flea market, bikes, honky tonk, the world, homework.


that was a pretty bad poem

but she knows what i mean.

(toothpaste for dinner)

eh huh for c.e.

do you pose in public
does it cowboy to standing
middle of the night in some
mapped study; some poignant
hospitalization of cleanliness
[do the thing]
one beautiful mimic to prove
muscle strung bone-like above
rake the sight to human

[time like poem; time going]

[A: camera]
[B: annhilation]
[C: my mother]
[D: let's be reasonable]

breath flap fish-like
chest with frame
rakes disorient
scrape your bird toward
middle of chest one
beautiful mimic for the hole
of it one
proof flashing through
the screen we
chisel to choose
[its contents]



spiral perm noted


mistakes have been made
jarring like a little death

and yet the whooping crane
we do not wish to march

in the back of the eye are
inumerable falls; marches

after that and after that
crosswords come with fury

as we wait; wading across
whole beds of transient quality

banks of a person abbr. (when
a father tumbles the restaurant)

to frame stuff; this syndrome
to peek and rule with contents

the cow is suspended, its eye back,
the back of its eye like waiting

to peel and rule like a kitten
does anyone know its function

great plains gleaming with
the time of year elicited when

one considers great plains
when one considers nomenclature,

however, say prairie, say clocks (sea)
see the cattle in their weather thoughts

my elbow and they lay down for slaughter
this barometer for standing to sleep

peeling back the back further, to pearl,
who to know the sentient seal

alert: i deleted the kitten pictures

it felt too much like myspace. i prefer to manage my various egomaniacal profiles without the use of the mac cam. also i feel much less like a hermit when i take pic\\\\\\\\\ <--kitten did that

pictures with a real camera instead of my computer. this becomes even more pathetic as we continue on to,


i have already managed to miss two of my anatomy classes and corresponding labs by accident. but, i did color-code my calendar today. i can't believe i just...did that. and wrote about it. if you'll excuse me, i have to go buy a three-ring binder, reinforcements, a slide rule, and a few pairs of creepy sweatpants. bye!

oh, shit


the first wave

we stood up in rows
and raised our arms over
our heads and screamed
all around the stadium
it was like the right
to vote

we just want to say

that we're staying here in, like, days.

(it's apparently around $330 per night, not that we would need to worry about that.)

a swivel chair!!! be still, my heart!


something very exciting happened

no, not that.

i received my free human genome landmarks poster, which shows every mapped disorder and the chromosome/base pair to which it relates. i can't say it's particularly pleasing aesthetically, but i realize that as much as i wish it were so, science isn't overly concerned with that. there are arguments to be made, of course; consider these (they are all science):


history in pictures

tonight we went to my parents' house for dinner. sorted through some more childhood memorabilia, which is probably the most surreal experience of my life. i found my "corner," which was my version of a security blanket--i just carried around the torn-off edge of the blanket and rubbed it against my thumb all day (i have a scar). it's really the patterns/prints/textures of things that gets me. amazing the complexity of the reaction they elicit. here are two things i colored in probably in kindergarten or so:

and here is a picture of me re-posing as a zombie in front of my friend's painting where i initially posed as a zombie maybe 5 years ago:

i'm assuming it's not too self-involved to post pictures of myself. but that would also assume that it's not too self-involved to continue the emo log what, six months later?


medication. tation. shit.

i want to write pretty bad right now but i'm just so tired. my new routine is kicking my ass: get up at 7, medimitate, runnish, good breakfast, rest of day. as a routine it's really just an idea right now, but that is tiring enough. (actually it began friday but unfortunately ended saturday. things are expected to pick back up tomorrow what with the reinstatement of school and dundalk and all.)

incidentally, on friday during the mediation i suddenly imagined this huge oak tree with very specific golden light coming out of the top of it, and when i breathed in it came in; when i breathed out blue goop came out (metaphysically) and was sucked back up by the tree. conjured the same tree periodically today with good results. this week i will try to incorporate my li'l animal totem and see what happens.

(note "hat," very important).

(note that in the time this took i could have written something halfway decent but want to try for something much longer or at least from somewhere more awake k thx bye BFF LYLAS lol <3)

free for a hiker in need

"I have an old pair of American Eagle hiking boots (women's size 9.5-10). The soles fell off the last time I was hiking."

also i woke up laughing in the middle of the night but i don't know what the dream was about. this wasn't no giggle, either.


at last

i hate when things fall and rock to stillness. i hate that noise. like this:









i just realized that yesterday. it really bothers me.

last night we went to ethiopian (the country--it's next to ethiopia) and justin ordered a meta beer. that's what it's called. but they brought him a different beer, which is good, because if he'd had the meta beer he might have disappeared. there were a. ma. zing. music videos playing in the restaurant.

when we go to chicago in september the hideout music festival will be happening, and andrew bird will be playing an hour after we land--andrew bird is one of my favorites of all time. the government is paying for justin's swank hotel room, car, etc. there will be pre-planned incriminating pictures that will violate even this blog. trust me.

yesterday the mcdonald's arch deluxe was a crossword answer. but not today--today that answer wouldn't have fit in yesterday's crossword. this is all true. every time i dream about kitchens a beer disappears.


lost the game


We ran up in three dimensions; the two of you first and falling behind my fear, behind the sky; at the top he coughed up blood, got high in the backyard, fits of rage about a bear movie or some combination of a visitors’ center or burned to the ground; try rubbings. No heritage there but they were proud of me; they bought me anything I wanted as we awoke again and again in layers. I still wake that way remembering dust around his teenage body, different sun, held bladders through explanation canyons, resentments and peacock restaurants where I would hate the light until later, drunk on altitudes of bones.


bloodsucking anatomy
and squeezes the pleasure
out of it
from whole countries
of enablers
we frame stuff
have lost the parse
how-to, and how


i said this in therapy

"i'm gonna meditate, goddammit!"

(also "i'm gonna therapy this shit outta this!" but that was with the aid/humor of the therapist).

if anyone would like to be in on the design of my new active and anxiety-free identity, please leave suggestions in the comments box. we appreciate your participation, and you could win a free lunch.

house house

yay yay

Saturday, September 1st-
8 pm

A Narrow House / Lame House Reading

Organized & hosted by
Justin Sirois of Narrow House Recordings &
Gina Myers of Lame House Press

The poets reading-

Cathy Eisenhower
Arlo Quint
Dustin Williamson
Matt Hart
Jamie Gaughran-Perez
M. Magnus

The readings are now held at
2225 Hargrove Street
Baltimore, MD

CARRIAGE HOUSE is located right off 23rd Street
between St. Paul & Calvert Streets-

A big yellow light will illumine the building-
Easy parking & BYOB & ears etc.

for more info-
Michael Ball

("narrow lame")



a small giggle

you know what's great? crystallized ginger. i wonder if that's how christian bok got it all started.


when i imagine it
there are two of us there
on the ledge, getting ready
i am in a light blue shirt and tie
and there is gel in my hair
i have a wife at home who
rides the elliptical machine
the woman next to me is
chinese-american in rayon
she is probably my assistant
i am not ready but
i always knew what it would be like
on the way down she screams
i try to send a message to my sister
with my mind, think about my organs
i can not imagine this scenario
or myself as a middle eastern person

if your grandmother was japanese
and your grandfather flew an american bomber
you are 1/4 japanese
and miniscule fractions of whatever is left
when my grandfather said we were bohemian
and that the guy on the evening news
had to be the son of his pilot
i wrote to the news
they said,
"tell the lady there's no relation"
i was not able to contact the bohemians
but either way he died
and left me a drawing of a cat
on a note i can not find


great neck

quiver, day; conduct to new long-sleeve tee's. when one consumes one's weight in raw, or we walk to chicago, take incriminating hotels, take hostage our rampaging definitions; i have always been this way.

(go back and check the road)

(go back and check the road)

cram foot into empty handle of a milk crate. how to get. museums open into themselves; child sees child vomiting into hair, child sees child's arm ending at wristbone, child sees child reap movies of it. plastics filling, well-lost and opening where the chest was; it's okay.

(a year could be a trombone)
(a year could be mathematical)

a year could be like a fan with no function. shake, day; a person apart, a sieve patched with sand. like a museum. how do we like a museum.

do you need help appreciating me? i'm quilted.

ryan writ that, but i wish i had.


believe the term is OMFG

shelfari. SERIOUSLY. let my people go.

apparently i'm not the only one whose entire gmail address book was cookied and hijacked to oblivion. it's horrible that my only contribution to lucipo, POETICS, performancelist, spidertangle etc has been this goddamn invite AND REMINDER MESSAGE. i don't get angry a lot but when i do. well. i just do.


breasts of baltimore

tonight i creped at the best of baltimore party. we each got a turn to wander around. we were supposed to play a game where we picked our top 5 attractive people at the party. i really couldn't pick any, but my, the ample bosoms. you have never seen as many ample bosom as at the best of baltimore party. it wasn't funny, because with no non-amples there was no context for comparison or humor. otherwise, and in addition, disappointment. really a networking/gen-X money event. once i got some seared tuna into my dressed-up belly everyone really blended together. i really did mean that my belly alone was dressed up.

people should really think about watching 2-year-olds eat tiny quiches, all the time.

yesterday my parents took me to the aquarium. true. much more true than belly statement above. highlights: hog-nosed turtle; obesity. it's nice to be an adult in a setting like that, where you can go, "mom? dad? i can't look at any more fish, i'm sorry. something about it makes me remember that time in the air and space museum when that kid with the mullet threw up his foot-long hot dog."


nerd of the day

bissextile (by-SEKS-til)


1. Of or pertaining to the leap year or the extra day in the leap year.


2. Leap year.


3. A blanket or fabric covering used by a person unwilling, unable, or too goddamn drunk to differentiate between the gender(s) of their romantic partner(s).


4. A piece of ceramic flooring that cuts the sexual experience in half, directly down the middle.


the original post/poem of this i actually really like. but revision beckons.

masturbate [censored]
this war
and yet
to revisit

chapped and [censored]
sewn into [censored]
some horse
a [censored]
(swagger, that)

like a wasp

and this,
that [censored]
li'l thing

for a coda;
coat closet
this [censored]
locus, goodness

a graduated

when you write a poem,
it should be this one.


O, fate!

here is a funny reply to my shelfari 'request' by john b.:

No, I do not like the same books as you.


so i was very honest in designing my 'shelf' on shelfari. when i just went to check and see which strangers on my email list responded to the invites, i was informed that shelfari "is reading a short novel but will be back soon!"

was it all for nought?! goddamn, i hope so.

in other news, fried green tomatoes did it to us in our bellies.


totally invited everyone i've ever emailed to shelfari, which is something i'll register with and probably never visit again, since in fact i do not know how to read. waiting for angry responses from craigslist furniture sellers and local government officials i've emailed to roll in in 3...2...1...


proof of life

we had to shave gus the dog, completely, because he gets too hot and develops skin conditions. poor gus. look at him. he's hard to see but focus on the rolls of fat.

and this is the color of my room, which i'm extraordinarily happy about. those are my foots.

otherwise collating,
extra yoga,



i saw a fire eater on the sidewalk last night.
my coworker saw a man lean back and inhale as if he was about to sneeze, and he leaned forward and vomited all over the street.
today i saw a woman in a lime green thong bikini and stilletos on top of a decrepit street car on the side of the road.
tonight i had dinner with chris toll. those of us who are interested will be transported to the 5th dimension on 12/21/2012. we will sleep for three days and awaken to be fed in the streets by aliens.
in the future (not that one) chris toll and i will host a neovirgin dance/tupperware party. only those witnessing a 2-year or longer sex attack may attend. RSVP telepathically.


things that happened:

homemade popples
cut-up po/e/ul/try
2-yr sex attack
body bibs
little beasties
swimsuit model
atop a streetcar
work comes in
girls go out
green curry
powdered gloves
know all labels
get a raise
beaux arts
call 3 people
email 6
frame stuff
flash cards
shin splint
michael ball
2 pairs of
the same pants
dog thoughts
i just want to
watch cable TV


sad cake, sad toast

i just bought this. for $15. it's a steal. i was kind of book-crazy because i was with adam and justin, so i also bought this and this. i'm hoping that _only revolutions_ and the mcsweeney's have enough content to hold up the form, because i sense myself peeking out of concept world and catching glimpses of the real world, by which i mean MTV.

i used to say that spending money on books and good food was okay, but now any kind of expenditure leaves me with that weighty feeling. i have noticed though that when the imaginary money comes from loans instead of cards, it's easier to digest. i work with a sufi who would probably say that all money is illusory, which is true, and would make me feel good enough to flip crepes into the sun and cover myself with special sauce until i just can't take it anymore okay okay sunshine dogs barking walk in the cemetery iced cranberry tea rodney dangerfield clean my room gotta go perceptual priming etc

ps atomic pop has a three-tiered stuffed plush cake for sale; it's light blue and the middle tier is frowning, while the upper and lower layers are smiling. it's $60. my birthday is march 16. it's about 3' tall (the cake, not my birthday).

fetus popple

look at it
i can't think of a much funnier phrase to google than 'fetus popple.'

wii <3 weekending ritual

envision the long bone
falsify (calcify)

your parents against
store-bought toys

fashioned homemade popples
convected potentialities

today my computer said,
hardship makes the world obscure

my only assertion is that
either there is no honest art

or i don't make assertions
or i don't trust those who do

you said, i wish i could
successfully paint sunsets

because she said
we would never say,

sunsets are interesting
(we might, of course)

once i saw right through binary
there was a nipple on a table

when i realized what i had seen
i wasn't sure i meant it

portions stored in small portions
and others skittering offshore

you smell the dishcloth as if
it was right there in her hand

when you wake, you may have
written a great russian novel

or i completed the entire crossword
and they came to my house

they thought i knew something
about cities in normandy

i had just been watching surgeries
i had been whaling in my sleep

(how should we expect the weather
and when to do it anyway)

today my shower said,
everyone is so afraid of being afraid

there will be plenty of time for
divinity; wash your hair

you are more like a north korean bomb,
she said, and we all laughed and laughed

nine down: like a bowl of seasonal fruit
(the sound); a body dampened by pavement

do you remember what you were wearing
did you try to find your family



[“el dorado”]

Let’s set this Westward toward the weather. “Why” is a weather; “why” is our folly and our failure. Looking up out of the canyon. Looking out of the canyon we see men; we see something like a sepia legend churning what little leaves there are into movies; this is already easy epic; this is grievous monotony; this is really something.


One-third are physicists, one-fourth are engineers, one-sixth are chemists and materials scientists, and the remainder work in mathematics and computational science, biological science, geoscience, and other disciplines. Fourteen made it out alive, three-eighths sifting mucky want and whiskey, ten five twenty six half hundred thirty four took and toiled deep into thin skies, small dogs of mythology. This phenomenon has been called “foolish,” or “expansive fear,” or “cancellous.” Thirty six square miles, 2.2 billion pesos, one-fifth of Jack Daniels expanding; hold it in your mouth; see it. This one time the girl next to me—her mother used to braid her hair funny and everyone made that face—she leaned over; she pushed the Carolinas over the edge of the desk; I hadn’t even asked.


physicists, engineers, and the remainder made it out alive, sifting into thin skies, small dogs called “foolish” in your mouth; see it. the girl next to me used to braid that face over the edge of the desk; I hadn’t even asked. “puttering” would not be a good word but “scuffling” wouldn’t either; patterned disability thin-lipped, always prepared, always suspended in thin air until plateaus.


Bucket of mud bath, small of back what sweat, what sheepish dump to take or pour or purr feral colonies, protectorates, wounds of the sea. For real. Bookbinding corset to whale. Wore men’s clothing. What language.


Every summer we went out there, rental vans to tether the years together. Largest root system suiciding; largest organism reaches the timberline. Ranch ran off with my father. Them ponies ran off with his camera. Some things are funny forever. He found aviator glasses in the ocean. To barter; I wouldn’t know how. Ship waits; ship bobs into pier, sees commerce; ship feels disenfranchised. Ship robs a landscape bank, rocks remain unphased, drawn over, eroded into castles; great castles. Rocks remain on fire; every year take pictures.